Welcome to World Zero - Reviews for the hardcore gamer

Without going into the argument that the minimum age requirement to work jobs dealing with real life costumers should probably be raised due to the overall immaturity level of a good portion of today’s youth, can someone please explain to me what the screening process for becoming a Gamestop employee is? Every time I walk into one of these borderline black market merchants--Seriously, if a game no longer has the shrink wrap and/or security strips intact it's fucking used, asshole--it seems the success story behind the counter (stay in school kids) forgets that his fucking job description simply consists of shifting his body weight to grab a game from behind the counter or answer the phone without being a complete and total bastard in the process.

And God forbid they hire someone with any knowledge on the subject of the product in which they peddle. Statistics show the demography’s average age is 28. If you really want to improve sales, do your research and realize the sixteen year-old redhead behind the counter, whose knowledge of gaming consists of no more than Ms. PacMan and Nintendogs, is pulling in an audience that spends about one fourth of the amount of money your target demographic spends on gaming. And if it’s not the sixteen year-old airhead pushing game reservations and warranties (yeah, you better give me the three year plan because I’m going to scratch the hell out of this thing), it’s either the slightly older, pseudo-thug from the freaking suburbs or the most loathsome, irritable, repulsive part time Night Elf/full time virgin you’ve ever had the displeasure to encounter.

I ask very little of you irritating bastards. Once in a while, I’ll call you up and present you with an uncomplicated inquiry similar to, "has so-and-so game come in?" yet I'm addressed with nothing but obvious audible annoyance and angst followed by an immediate "no" without time to check your state of the art computers, ask your insightful manager, or even pretend to think about it. Now that I think about it, what pact with Satan have these overseers the store deemed managers been tricked into signing? On the off-day that I am fortunate enough to interact with these knowledgeless business school drop-outs instead of their minions, I question my virtually nonexistent confidence in American business ethics. These fuckers are the most vile of the vile (although simply taking orders from the giant, malevolent, hovering head that commands this defunct Gamestop army). These legal crooks do everything in their power to make buying crack behind the alley a more civil transaction than purchasing a game from them. God forbid I inform them that an already opened game is, in fact, used. While they assure me it’s not, I retort to no matter what the Giant Head has told them, it’s about as brand spanking new as an opened can of Coke. While they offer me the promise of a full refund if I take it home and it fails to boot up, I offer them the promise of shoving the fingerprint-covered disc up their ass.

Here’s some free advice on the nigh-improbable chance that one of you drones might actually be reading this. Get some real employees. Ones with actual knowledge and with genuine etiquette. Yeah, it’ll cost more to pay them, but you’ll make it up from the money I’ve been spending at Best Buy and Target just to avoid you. The fact that stores like Best Buy have become my initial preference for my gaming purchases makes me sick, but you’re leaving me with no choice. You’ve already chewed up and spit out all the Mom ‘n Pop stores, absorbed FuncoLand, and are soon to devour EB. Anyone reading this remember the gold ‘ole days of Software Etc. versus Babbages? Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I never would have predicted the twisted state my beloved game stores have evolved into.

While the corporate answer is simple (yet will never happen), there is no definitive answer for us gamers. The only advice I can offer is always refuse an opened game being sold to you at full price, and let them know why. If a disgruntled employee gives you shit, let their manager hear how pissed you are. Threaten to take your business elsewhere. Most importantly, if you are lucky enough to have a Mom ‘n Pop game store in your area, support it at all costs. Last but not least, when you overhear an employee giving an uniformed consumer bullshit advice, interrupt and correct them. They hate that. Bonus points if you do it in front of their boss.